Chipotle Mexican Grill

Chipotle Mexican Grill

Today I almost died!! I’m not even exaggerating at all, the “food” from this bullshit ass place, not only almost killed me, it almost made me shit on my fucking self, in my fucking car, on the long ass excruciatingly painful drive home! I had to take a “chance fart” at one traffic light and it still has my air fresheners working OT in the car. Do you know how fucked up it is, to be sitting in traffic, taking a chance that you might actually shit on yourself if this “chance fart” turns out to be wet!

Anyway, let me start at the beginning! Today I was offered lunch, so I accepted, this probably was my first mistake. So I decided on burritos, chicken/steak, 1/2 n 1/2 brown rice, lettuce, pinto beans. The massive thing arrived, I check to see no extra ingredients were inserted, all good fine. About 20 mins later, I took a break and decide to eat this Burrito.

As a man who’s used to eating large portions, well man size food, this presented no problem as a light snack during the day, however at the end of the burrito, was this piece of chewy ass “meat”, which reminded me of the skin you would find in corn beef. Some people would say if you ever find the skin in corn beef, its horse meat. So after trying to chew this thing for 2 mins, I decided to spit it out. This should have been my second sign something was wrong.
Now all this happen around 3 pm, I wash this thing down with two bottles of water, I trying to stay away from soda and flavored water, Atlanta carnival coming up an I’m trying to prep (but that’s another story) Around 3:45 pm, I feel/hear my stomach gurgle… clear warning sign, I decide to ignore it. By 4:30 pm, I notice I had to adjust the tab on my belt, which means I was starting to bloat.
I look in my desk draws to see if I had some GasX, one must always be prepared at work, no sense being remembered as the one that blew up the office with weapons of ass destruction, took the GasX to avoid further bean related bloating. By 5:15 one piece ah fart lick the left side of my bowel, I turn on my desk fan, made sure the coast was clear and ease it out, as predicted silent, but deadly as fuck, the type of fart that makes you mad at your own ass for fucking up your damn nostrils with such a lingering stench.

Anyway clock out time, I feel this slight vice grip thing in my stomach, I said you to myself, look it’s clock out time, no time to linger just to shit at work, that is too much of a ritual, if some of my co-workers don’t wash they rasoul hand, I can only imagine what else they don’t wash and then you have to share a paper padded seat with them or squat shit. Squat shitting with exploding, pebble dashing shit is not fun!! So I walk to my car and as soon as I get off the elevator to the parking deck, bubble guts combined with some kind of six flags ride type commotion start in my stomach, so I tek a risk, cock-up a leg, buss two big farts, feel my belt slacken and I said ok good, false alarm only air.

I am still mad my bowels betrayed me into a false sense of security. Get in my car, get on highway and this shit decide, we want out NOW!!!

Pain down the back of my ras balls, stomach-churning an all I can do is count exits and look for police at four points while doing 90 mph. Reach the house almost having shat (yea it’s an actual word, I didn’t believe it either) myself at the stop light,

side note: isn’t funny how you ass/bladder always know when you reach your home?!?

Run in the house, knocking over things trying to come outta clothes, cus shitting in clothes is weird!! Reach the bathroom, and before ass cheeks, cud grace the porcelain throne, thunder-clap and scattered showers of shit rain out thine body like runaway slaves on a mission of escape. Stomach churning, ass burning, creeper out by the splatter back and steaming mad that farts and shit, fighting to see who can exit first.

Anyway, enough gross stuff and oversharing. Long story short, this was not bean related, it was a combination of some kinda bad food and probably food from the day before, some kinda unsafe food storage, whatever the case, needless to say, I will never eat at this place again!! Never Ever, Ever Nevaaaa. Fuck Chipotle Mexican Grill